I lost my son Tuesday

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Gazrok

Gazrok

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Joined
Aug 15, 2013
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Location
Florida
For many years, he's battled depression. He's attempted suicide before, but I really thought we were making progress. However, it seems he was putting on a facade and had been planning this for a while. Words just can't explain it. Our family is just shattered. We rushed home, after some Facebook posts, but we were too late (we work an hour away). We came home to see about 10 sheriff cars and 3 forensic vans, and I just can't relate in words how just the sight of that told us, long before the detectives did.

To add to it, you just don't plan on financing to bury someone in their 20's.

If you, or anyone you know wants to help, we set up a couple of different funding efforts.

Go Fund Me: https://www.gofundme.com/ez3fv-in-loving-memory-of-david
Facebook Funding: https://www.facebook.com/donate/1962886920677869/

Of course, we're getting with all family members, etc. and everyone's doing what they can.
Obviously, I've got a lot to do, so won't be on the board much for the next few days (or will, needing the distraction)...I just don't know anything anymore.
 
My condolences, Gazrok. I lost my brother to suicide, and I've been close to it myself.

There will be a world of kindness around you, hold fast to it and to the memories of your son. Let people take care of you while you see him on his way.

xx
 
Gazrok said:
For many years, he's battled depression. He's attempted suicide before, but I really thought we were making progress. However, it seems he was putting on a facade and had been planning this for a while. Words just can't explain it. Our family is just shattered. We rushed home, after some Facebook posts, but we were too late (we work an hour away). We came home to see about 10 sheriff cars and 3 forensic vans, and I just can't relate in words how just the sight of that told us, long before the detectives did.

To add to it, you just don't plan on financing to bury someone in their 20's.

If you, or anyone you know wants to help, we set up a couple of different funding efforts.

Go Fund Me: https://www.gofundme.com/ez3fv-in-loving-memory-of-david
Facebook Funding: https://www.facebook.com/donate/1962886920677869/

Of course, we're getting with all family members, etc. and everyone's doing what they can.
Obviously, I've got a lot to do, so won't be on the board much for the next few days (or will, needing the distraction)...I just don't know anything anymore.
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I'm so sorry to hear that Gaz. I can't imagine what you and your family must be going through right now.
 
So sorry, I know that there are no adequate words to help with your pain. Know that you are not alone and people care. I imagine that most of us have faced depression of varying degrees and have been touched by losses of friends or family....but the loss of a child must be one of the worst cases....peace be with you, you are in my thoughts.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
Children should not perish before their parents. My best wishes for you and your family. :candle:
 
I know there is nothing anyone can say to really help you right now. I only hope you the best in dealing with this and that you feel some comfort by all the support shown here. Only time will lessen the loss some, but never take it away completely. Just do your best to be strong for the rest of the family, and yourself. I don’t know much about what he was dealing with, but at least he is at peace now.
 
Gazrok,

Nobody should ever bury their own child. Such a tragedy. My prayers for your family.
 
I don’t know much about what he was dealing with, but at least he is at peace now.
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I almost think it's something in the genes. As you may know, he's my stepson, though I never saw the difference. But, his grandfather committed suicide at 24. His dad at 25. He was 23. That's just too much of a coincidence for me.

Thing is, even at his happiest moments, he had just convinced himself of his depression, so there was really no way he was ever going to really overcome it (I think). Even in counseling, he'd simply tell them what he thought they wanted to hear.

The stages of this are SO weird. Obviously, the hurt and pain, but anger, confusion, and then guilt when something makes you laugh, as if you're not "permitted" too, because of this. Words just fail to explain it for anyone else. I don't know how.
 
Gazrok said:
I almost think it's something in the genes. As you may know, he's my stepson, though I never saw the difference. But, his grandfather committed suicide at 24. His dad at 25. He was 23. That's just too much of a coincidence for me.

Thing is, even at his happiest moments, he had just convinced himself of his depression, so there was really no way he was ever going to really overcome it (I think). Even in counseling, he'd simply tell them what he thought they wanted to hear.

The stages of this are SO weird. Obviously, the hurt and pain, but anger, confusion, and then guilt when something makes you laugh, as if you're not "permitted" too, because of this. Words just fail to explain it for anyone else. I don't know how.
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Depression can feel like a bedrock deep under a meadow. Whatever happens near the surface, that core remains constant.

I hope you and your family have lots of support, Gazrok. Grieving is such a bizarre scramble of responses, and I get what you mean about the laughter/guilt situation. Laughing over something then getting spooked about laughing. Hold fast.
 
Gazrok said:
I almost think it's something in the genes. As you may know, he's my stepson, though I never saw the difference. But, his grandfather committed suicide at 24. His dad at 25. He was 23. That's just too much of a coincidence for me.

Thing is, even at his happiest moments, he had just convinced himself of his depression, so there was really no way he was ever going to really overcome it (I think). Even in counseling, he'd simply tell them what he thought they wanted to hear.

The stages of this are SO weird. Obviously, the hurt and pain, but anger, confusion, and then guilt when something makes you laugh, as if you're not "permitted" too, because of this. Words just fail to explain it for anyone else. I don't know how.
Click to expand...
I’ve read that when someone in a family commits suicide that others are many times more likely too. I don’t know if it’s genetic or just a learned association. Either way, it’s sad to waste a young life, and worse on the ones close to them. Life can be tough at times, but also wonderful at others. I wish the best for you and your family as you learn to deal with this.
 
Gazrok said:
I almost think it's something in the genes. As you may know, he's my stepson, though I never saw the difference. But, his grandfather committed suicide at 24. His dad at 25. He was 23. That's just too much of a coincidence for me.

Thing is, even at his happiest moments, he had just convinced himself of his depression, so there was really no way he was ever going to really overcome it (I think). Even in counseling, he'd simply tell them what he thought they wanted to hear.

The stages of this are SO weird. Obviously, the hurt and pain, but anger, confusion, and then guilt when something makes you laugh, as if you're not "permitted" too, because of this. Words just fail to explain it for anyone else. I don't know how.
Click to expand...
It isn't weird. It's normal, don't worry about what you think you should be feeling. Just go with it and don't worry about what other peoples perceptions are. When my grandfather died we all went to Grandmas after the funeral to eat had a good ole time, telling jokes and acting silly, it helped my mother and grandma a lot. Grandpa would have loved that. I did not feel guilty for feeling good, it was an honor to him in a way. you'll go through a lot of emotions that may seem odd or come at odd times. A balance will come. So sorry you and your family have to struggle through this crazy and sad process.
 
Gazrok said:
I almost think it's something in the genes. As you may know, he's my stepson, though I never saw the difference. But, his grandfather committed suicide at 24. His dad at 25. He was 23. That's just too much of a coincidence for me.

Thing is, even at his happiest moments, he had just convinced himself of his depression, so there was really no way he was ever going to really overcome it (I think). Even in counseling, he'd simply tell them what he thought they wanted to hear.
Click to expand...
It could certainly be genetic, in that the cause of clinical depression has to do with brain chemistry. So little is understood about clinical depression, even today. Such a disorder has nothing to do with his choices. It is a disorder that can be often treated but the treatment is slow. If one medicine doesn't work, there others to try but the problem is, it can take weeks to determine if that medicine will work.

I suffered clinical depression in the past & it is hell... absolute hell. During that time I was completely cut off from God... at least from my perspective. I could feel no emotion. No joy nor no hate. I couldn't sleep and couldn't hardly force myself to eat and I'm a big guy that loves food more than anything. About the only thing I felt was an unending loathing of myself... that I was completely worthless & a complete failure. If not for the love of my wife & the responsibilities of owning a business & the responsibility of taking care of my two boys, I would have ended it myself. That is all I could think of for weeks & weeks. It is no surprise young folks suffering thru clinical depression will commit suicide, as they have little responsibility to others.

For many, including me, there is a trigger event which throws off the brain chemistry. It can be the death of a loved one, a financial setback, or some other emotional event. Having gone thru clinical depression, I understand these trigger events and try to deal with them. For me, the key is to change my thoughts. As opposed to thinking about the trigger event, I change my thoughts to something else. For me, it happens to be living on the farmstead and prepping. So whenever I feel an event may be coming on, I concentrate on my preps and what needs to be done next. I concentrate on what is growing and what I will be growing. For some reason, that gives me a peacefulness that overcomes the bad feelings.

You are in my prayers.
 
wow, man. The only thing worse is losing a little one to some wasting disease. Sorry for your loss.
 
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